Warning for Caroline: the grammar, sentence structure and thought process reflect the discombobulated nature that my mom seems to think I have developed... And I feel like it's so long. If you get bored, I will absolutely not be offended if you don't finish.
Ok... I just want to preface this blog by getting out the thought that I do not need to go crazy and make this a rant session. I 100% feel like exploding and complaining about everything that has happened this week, but that is just not what I am intended to do and I know that (even if it makes me feel relieved temporarily) it is not a good habit to develop, doesn't solve any problems and only makes me feel like I'm a victim to all of the people and situations going on around me and the most that I can do about my situation is complain.
So, I am going to start off the blog by listing off ten things that I am so truly thankful for - this week or always. And just a side thought first, I feel like listing three things would be so easy, but listing ten things is so much more fun and makes me more aware of my reality (that is - I am at Wofford - pretty much the best position on the planet). And another side note, when I was in high school, I read the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, which might seem lame, but is actually really good, and one of the exercises was to write down 10 things that you absolutely love doing. I just remember that it was so much fun to think about and I feel like I really learned a lot about myself and the random activities that I had no idea I really liked until I had to make that list. So here it goes:
1. This is going to seem really ridiculous and self righteous and like i'm putting down the automatically right, generic answer, but I am just so thankful for God's Word and the power that it has been having in my life. And I say the Bible, but I know what I really mean is Jesus's sacrifice because when I think about my feeling of gratitude for the Bible I think about Romans 8 and how beautiful the love of Christ is for us. Romans 8 makes so apparant that His sacrifice was not only sufficient, but it covers more than anyone could ever imagine and it is just so BIG and truly awesome and unconditional and so worth living for. This Sunday Andy mentioned Romans 8 and that if anyone was feeling distant from God or like they were treating Him like a checklist or any other unrelational way then to read that passage. It really does just show how incredible God is and it has been really awesome this week to read it slow and soak it in verse by verse and read it over and over again and know that it is the truth and it is mine. Two cool things that I love are Romans 8:6 which says "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;..." This week I have really just been so down on myself for so many reasons, partly because I have truly messed up in a couple of areas, but also partly because the voice of my mom has really been getting in my head and telling me there's something wrong with me. And I just got out of this Organic test and I honestly do not feel like I did well at all. I am so scared to find out the results, and my immediate reaction to the test (of course) was "I hate Dr. Waidner, I hate Organic, I hate the time I wasted studying without success, I am afraid for my grade, I am ashamed I can't be successful in this class like my peers, I can't do anything good, I don't even know what I want to do with my life, and I don't really have the ability to do anything great because I'm not even doing the best I think I can or nearly as well as others in Organic" (and yes, those are all true statements, but it is more like a feeling of defeat than a string of thoughts going through my head like that)... but then if I go back to Romans 8 then my next feeling is "who am I kidding? I'm saved, I have no reason to feel like this. Jesus and His Holy Spirit is really
living inside of me and giving me life and peace" and it happens. And part of me resists the peace because I don't like the idea of having potentially failed a test, yet feeling peaceful. I think that I should feel remourseful of my failure and pressured to do better. But I think that I could turn it around and use it in a way that is glorifying by saying "no, I'm not going to freak out, I'm not going to let this test control my emotions and actions, and I am going to treasure this peace I feel in my heart and motivate myself in a positive way to do better." Yea, that's the ideal feeling, but the problem with that is, I think I feel peaceful because of the Holy Spirit and the peace that it brings, but then I feel that peace and I'm content in it and don't really feel the desire to motivate myself to do better. I do want an A and to do well, but right now that is real far off. I just can't motivate myself to do something about it... And maybe this blog (and Caroline?) can help me do that and study more progressively rather than 3 days in advance.
And then at the end of Romans 8 (these are well known verses and they are just filled with so many promises of God's love for us):
"What, then, shall we say in respose to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him graciously give us all things?" That's one awesome thing to soak in... but then it goes on!
"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies." And on...
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Wow... I am so thankful for Your great love Lord!
2. So today, yes, potentially failed Organic. Literally went through 5 or 6 consecutive pages of the test pretty of unsure of what was going on, freaking out in my mind... Got out feeling terrible about it. But Nicole gave me a letter at lunch and it just made me so so so happy :). I took her some flowers last week and she really liked them and she wrote me just the most encouraging letter (which she had forgotten to give me all week, but remembered to give it to me right after I got out of my test. I just love when little things fall so perfectly. She totally could have given me the letter when she intended to, but it would not have done me nearly as good as it did today when I got it while feeling so down). I was absolutely gushing because of her kind words the whole time I was walking to my 1:00 and was so thankful for her letter and for the friendship that we have developed.
3. Wofford game tonight - have been so excited the entire week for this!!
4. My friends. I think I thank the Lord just on a whim every day for my friends. I have never been in a position before in my life where I have felt like I had such awesome friends. They always listen even if it's not important, and always always if it is important, and they just give the best advice (thinking of Caroline, Sarah, Lisa for sure). And then I've never felt like I've had friends that I can joke with for hours (Caroline Liddy, Hilary) and people that I get encouragement from (Nicole) and can confide in and then also fulfill the desire to listen well to (Ashley Reynolds, Sara Shealey) just so many new people in my life this year that I am so blessed to have and honestly feel like I am close to, can be honest with, can share my sin with and that I want the best for and who want the best for me. And the talk I had with Caroline Burdette on Sunday - it is such a great feeling to be able to be so honest and to be encouraged by instead of scolded and held accountable for and all of the ideas that we're spurring on in each other are based on the Lord. I know I have never had a relationship so based on the Lord as I have now with her (you, haha :). So thankful for that.
5. Dr. Bass - honestly, he has to be one of my top 10 favorite people. Pretty big deal.
6. The weather - so beautiful and puts me in such a good mood.
7. The feeling you get after you exercise
8. How long my hair is now - haha, so narcistic
9. Music - my day would not be nearly as good without music - shane and shane especially
10. the mornings
Gonna post more about the sitch with my life plans/parents after I talk with Dr. Bass tomorrow, which I am so excited about.
